Neko
by plannedbyReaperLight
Summary: During a fieldtrip to the museum things get weird. CRACK! YAOI MPREG and QUESTIONABLE PAIRINGS. NSFW OR SANITY!
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N:** I do not own Death Note._

_Got to love crack written at 3 in the morning…_

_This is CRACK! CRACKITY CRACK CRACK CRACK! Did I mention this is crack?_

_And another one-shot written for the Kink meme—someone requested this, scout's honor._

* * *

"To your left we have a statue of Bast, a fertility goddess from the fourth dynasty..." droned the tour guide as she led the Touhou fieldtrip class through the museum. "In the Egyptian pantheon she was also a bringer of justice, a righter of wrongs that later became associated with Artemis..."

"Isn't this amazing, Ryuuzaki?"

L bit his thumb in amusement as Light wandered around the museum in wide-eyed wonderment at the ancient marvels.

"...And to your right is a statute of Sekhmet" continued the tour guide "the eye of the sun, the killing light, the destroyer of humanity..."

"I grew up in England, remember?" L said affecting a bored tone. "I've seen it."

"No come on, this is amazing! You know how old this stuff is?" Light paused by the information terminal on King Tut. "Can you imagine..." Light whispered. "...becoming a God-King at THIRTEEN? The power, the responsibility..." L rolled his eyes as he listened to Light's change of tone... sounding like he was about ready to jizz his pants at the very idea.

"34% Light-kun."

"What the hell for?" Light demanded.

"Need I even say anything?"

Light sighed. "You're going to take ANYTHING I say and try and make it sound like I'm..."

L grinned. "You're just figuring that out now?"

"**Liiight-o… I need an apple!"** Ryuk groaned. They'd been trudging through the stupid museum for hours! But Light continued to ignore him.

In his exhausted state, Ryuk didn't bother to go around the statue and just floated straight through it... and glimpsed a pretty glowy red orb inside...

Ryuk drooled. **"Apple…"**

Light and L continued on through the museum without incident... well except for when a band of idiots tried to rob the place.

One of them was dumb enough to mention the name of his companion out loud. Light controlled him to rat out their operation and his companions' names to the police and media.

And then Kira killed the others...

That was quite a thrill—Light managed to pull that off right under L's nose. (It might have had something to do with the fact L was trying to get a hold of Watari to save them and the hostages at the time...)

_That's what you get—for defying a God! Justice is served._ Light thought triumphantly as Ryuk returned from wherever he'd been hiding...

"**Light-o, I'm not feeling so good,"** Ryuk groaned as he laid his claws on Light's shoulder...

Light suddenly _felt_ their Bond and an odd sort of feedback running through it...

"**WE'VE FINALLY FOUND YOU"** boomed a queenly, disembodied voice. **"OUR CHOSEN VESSELS."**

As L watched what happened to Light, he _really_ wanted to discount what he was seeing with his own eyes...

* * *

Light woke up groggy and confused... and most of all choking. Light ripped and tore and managed to get what was choking him off his neck—it was a damn bell and collar? And it was way too small!

"Liiight-chan!" L called from the other room.

_Chan?_ Light thought indignantly.

"Kitty, kitty, kitty got your milk... Oh my..." L dropped the saucer of milk on the floor.

And Light realized another little important detail... he was naked... in L's bedroom.

Shock, fear, panic, RAGE in 3-2...

"I didn't do anything to you!" L insisted as Light shoved him up against the wall spewing out the language of the incomprehensibly angry.

Soon others arrived with a sedation kit and stopped Light from killing L.

When Light woke up again chained to the bed he wasn't in a much better mood.

Someone had dressed him in a pair of baggy jeans. This didn't really make up for all the other indignities such as having someone touch him to dress him… not to mention that the jeans were L's.

"Light-kun," L looked at him sadly.

"Wh—what happened?"

L sighed. "It's a mystery... One I haven't been able to solve. Alas Matsuda's theory about this being some Mummy's curse is sounding most plausible..."

"Mummy's curse? What?"

"You don't remember?"

"Remember what?" the last thing Light remembered was that they were at the museum and then it all went hazy. But he did remember a very vibrant, wonderful dream—one so beautiful that it hurt to wake up from...

L sighed. "You're not going to believe this... You were a cat."

Light stared at L blankly. "Bullshit."

"I told you, you wouldn't believe it..." L grumbled and turned on the video footage of a lithe, little red-brown cat snuggling up with L as he typed on his laptop. L gave a nostalgic sigh.

"It's true." Matsuda groaned as he entered the room, covered in scratches. "You were a very mean cat! You scratched me every time I tried to pet you! Both of you..."

"Wait both?"

L glared at Matsuda. "One thing at a time, Matsuda." L addressed Light again. "There was... another cat that mysteriously appeared when you... changed. But it seems to have disappeared now... Very curious..."

Light felt it all come crashing down. His dream... he dreamed he was a cat!

Then it wasn't a dream...

Light's fear and humiliation rose as he surveyed the water dish, the food bowl, the pet bed...

Light looked over at the scratch-covered Matsuda again... That's right Matsuda tried to give him a bath—and he had been rather adverse to that idea. He was perfectly capable of grooming himself thank you very much... still... "Er... Sorry..."

"You know, you'd think I'd get some thanks for changing your litter," Matsuda continued to grumble.

Light looked away even more embarrassed and muttered out a "Thank you, Matsuda."

"You were a very bad cat!" Matsuda scolded.

Light glared at him. "Don't push it."

L continued to mope, "No you weren't. I liked you better as a cat."

Light glared at L. _Who the hell says that!_ "Oh really, but wasn't I a mean cat?"

"Not to me! You were very affectionate. You'd always come and rub against me. You'd sit in my lap and purr."

Light blushed.

"You'd cuddle up with me every night."

Light's blush darkened.

"I miss my cat," L pouted.

Light blinked slowly and asked L "Just how long was I a..."

"You were a cat for over a year... Oh and we caught Kira by the way..."

"It was Misa-Misa the actress," Matsuda supplied. "Can you believe it?"

Light idly picked up the bell and collar he had destroyed when he woke up and glared at it.

"You're very sneaky," L explained. "I wanted to know where you were."

Just then Matsuda came in with a box of kittens and nearly tripped on the rug.

At the mewling Light felt a strong protective instinct flaring up upon seeing the kittens being handled that way.

"HEY! STOP IT!" Light screamed and strained desperately against the chain. "PUT THEM DOWN!"

L stared at Light wide-eyed. "Do you remember, Light?"

Light felt a sudden feeling of dread as he was suddenly surrounded by kittens some black and white others with red-brown fur but all of them had fierce, intelligent, golden eyes.

"They're... they're mine, aren't they?"

"Well er... you see, at the time..."

"You were a female cat... and we didn't think you'd appreciate it if we spayed you on the off-chance you ever became human again."

Well... this was a lot to take in.

L and Matsuda wisely gave Light some space so that he could have his mental breakdown with some semblance of dignity.

The kittens mewled with concern.

These... These were his babies!

And... there was another cat that...

Despite the circumstance... Light got a warm fuzzy feeling just thinking about his... mate. The father of his children. He was emaciated and scarred but big, strong, and powerful black and white tom cat. Light blushed harder oh he had felt that power when Light had uh... gone into heat.

It HURT and she swatted him when the deed was done but he was very affectionate with her, they had cuddled up together afterwards and he had run his rough tongue through her red fur...

As Light fondly watched one of his... children played with a red ball of yarn Light realized... Ryuk!

**"Light-o..."** A sullen looking Death God floated in through the wall. **"Please don't hate me."**

Well Light did feel strong feelings for the Death God... but definitely not hate. Indeed as their eyes met he felt an intense swelling of desire...

L bit his thumb as he watched Light on the monitors with great amusement as in a rush Light pulled off his baggy jeans, got on his hands and knees and yowled, seemingly humping the air.

L grinned. "Still a cat."

* * *

**Later… **

Light sauntered into the kitchen a glass of milk in hand, and after spending some more quality time with Ryuk he was feeling very good about life in general... until he saw the sign Matsuda was making which read "Death-Kittens in need of good home."

Light leapt up onto the table and snarled.

"YOU ARE _NOT_ GIVING MY KIDS AWAY!" Light roared.

"Eep..." Matsuda ran for his life.

**END**

* * *

A/N: I don't even like mpreg, but I just couldn't resist (going to a special level of hell for this one...)


	2. Chapter 2

**NOTICE**

I apologize in advance for spamming and I apologize to everyone who thought they were getting an update. I usually don't do the whole author note chapter thing but I thought it was the best way to get the word out before my account gets deleted.

After ten years of no enforcement fanfiction . net is suddenly going to start enforcing a "no sex and violence" policy:  
www . change petitions / fanfiction – net – stop – the – destruction – of – fanfiction – net ? utm_campaign =friend _ inviter _ modal & utm_medium = facebook&utm _ source = share_petition

I'm here frequently on fanfiction . net but I only just heard about this, so I figured it was important to get the word out.

I checked and the only warning on fanfiction . net I could see was a single note on fanfiction . net's homepage:  
"June 4th 2012 - Notices: ◦Please note we would like to clarify the content policy we have in place since 2002. follows the Fiction Rating system ranging from Fiction K to Fiction M. Although Fiction Ratings goes up to Fiction MA, since 2002 has not allowed Fiction MA rated content which can contain adult/explicit content on the site. only accepts content in the Fiction K through Fiction M range. Fiction M can contain adult language, themes and suggestions. Detailed descriptions of physical interaction of sexual or violent nature is considered Fiction MA and has not been allowed on the site since 2002."

I know I don't exactly comb through mine for content and just rate it all M. But no doubt the vague descriptions of gay sex within these stories will offend the moral guardians.

Though I have to wonder what's left after you delete all the stories with sex and violence. There goes the Death Note fandom! And what about a fandom like... Saw?

If you don't think this applies to you then ask yourself, does your story:

Have action scenes?

Have romance scenes?

Mention a song?

**If you answered yes to any of those it is at risk of deletion.**

Or to put it another way would your story make a good episode of Sesame Street?

If yes you're probably safe but if no you may want to consider copying it over to another site.

Even if you don't think this applies to you it's still a good idea to have backups and considering they're going to suddenly start cracking down now after ten years of nothing they may be overzealous in their censorship. It would be a shame if a beautiful story is lost forever just because it says a naughty word.

So please move your stuff, copy your favorites before this goes into effect!

Some suggested sites:

livejournal . com

archiveofourown . org

deviantart . com

adultfanfiction . net

As for me, I will continue to write and update my stories—just not on fanfiction . net.

You can find me on Livejournal and archiveofourown. org as reaperlight and plannedbyreaperLight on deviantart . com

I would like to thank everyone, all of my readers and reviewers, for all their help and support and all the other writers out there keep on writing awesome stories!


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